Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Vanessa Hudgens shows what the V in her name really stands for

...And I fall deeper in love. Dear Lord, are there no scruples left these days? No self-control? No...uh...oh, whatever. Look, the point is, more (censored) nude pics of Vanessa Hudgens surfaced on the net sometime yesterday and I'm treating it like the nation just went on high terror alert. Why? Because I need the uncensored version of these things damn it! Anyway, I know what you're saying--this isn't even news. Well, you're right and you're wrong. Where Baby V is concerned, no, nudity is nothing really shocking to report. But where vag is concerned, I will be there, knuckle deep in the situation, pushing and grinding away until I get to the juicy center of the story! Don't give me that, I'm doing it all for you people. Anyway, I can't post the pictures here because I'm not a big fancy website with a team of lawyers, but I can direct you to sites like the excellent egotastic.com (my personal favorite) where said pics can be witnessed in all their High School Musical glory. Vanessa Hudgens, as you may know, is the olive skinned goddess known for portraying Gabrielle Montez is the popular Disney franchise, and is also in the upcoming Zack Snyder film Sucker Punch starring Emily Browning and Jaimie Chung. On the basis of that I'd probably give it a pass, but when I saw that everyday badass Scott Glenn was going to be in it, I knew I would be there opening night. Anyway, I know you came here hoping to see a picture of Vanessa Hudgens's pussy...so here ya go.

See, it's funny because hers isn't bald. Er, I'll try harder next time, I swear.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Justin Bieber kisses Selena Gomez, world ends early

I know, I know. It's been forever since I've posted. Give me a break, I've been on the toilet. The good news is, there hasn't been a lot worth mentioning in the messy circle-jerk called Hollywood. Of course, there never really is. I take exception to this one, though.
Turns out the scientists were wrong. Life as we know it isn't going to end in 2012, it actually already happened. Recently, Justin Queefer and Selena Gomez officially came out as a beard...I mean, couple. "Came out" being the operative term here. Okay, okay, I'm just kidding. I make a lot of jokes about the STBiebs, but I'm not really a die hard hater, I just think he looks funny.
Anyway, the point is that at the exact moment Bieber tried unsuccessfully to devour Selena Gomez's face, throngs of teenage girls worldwide tweeted so quickly it supercharged the Earth's magnetic poles, instantaneously throwing the planet out of rotation around the sun, thus initiating worldwide apocalypse and we are all now dashing off out of our solar system into the infinite abyss of space. If you've looked out your window recently you've probably seen what the world has become. It's okay, I'm scared too. Lock your doors and make sure you've got a decent supply of toilet paper. Like the day after a hefty dinner of corn casserole and refried beans, we're going to have to be strong to ride this one out. But hey, look at it this way, while we're on the john we can belt out our own rendition of the song that pretty much no one wants to hear ever again...ever.

Baby baby baby - OOOOOOoooooh! - baby baby baby - OOOOOOOOOOOOHOOhhhhhhh!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

The Economy is in the Toilet...With the Rest of Us

So it's been a while now and I think it's safe to say that things have pretty much gone right down the shitter. The economy is barely afloat, North Korea wants to make the world glow in the dark by finally kicking off that whole nuclear winter thing, and the swine flu A-porka-lypse has officially begun. Not to mention that EVERYBODY is frickin' dead...or gay. Either way, it's bad. Not the gay thing, but you get the picture. Never fear, though. You know the economy has to turn around soon, because no matter how bad you've got it, there are a lot of people out there that make more money in a day than you'll make in your entire lifetime. Doesn't that make you feel better?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Perez Hilton gets his own economy for doing what I do for nothing

So here's a little dingleberry that floated by me on the internets today; blogger Perez Hilton's celebrity schmelebrity blog scored 14 million views in a single day. To put this in perspective, every blog made in Wordpress combined only get about 20 million views per day in total. Now I can't bash Perez Hilton for making a bazillion dollars in a single day for writing about something that nobody should be interested in (in this case the breakup between uber hot Megan Fox and whatever Brian Austin Green). The whole thing still leaves a bad taste in my mouth, though. The worst part about it is that even for that kind of money I don't think I could pretend to be that into celebrity gossip. Wait, wait. Let me try my hand at this. OKAY, so yesterday Chris Brown and Rihanna awwwwwwwwww God I can't do it. Oh well, at least obscurity and being poor are two things I've gotten used to.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Thoughts and Prayers

I'm sure most people know by now that former Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker and DJ AM were severely wounded in a plane crash earlier this week in which four people lost their lives. Normally, asshole that I am, I don't mind when people poke fun at tragic accidents. I think death is something that needs to be taken in stride and there really is no opportune time to cease living, so it's kind of counter intuitive to call one death a tragedy and another no big deal. I'm just sorry that the lives of famous people get so much more attention than others, but that is the nature of the world. On the plus side, seemingly random events like this help remind us that anything really can happen and any moment and we must not only be careful in our day to day lives but balance that with living life to the fullest. Any loss of life is tragic and regrettable no matter the circumstances. The purpose of this post is not only to express my sadness for the families of everyone involved, but also to express my concern and thankfulness for anyone who might read this blog. To live an unacknowledged life is a great tragedy in itself. I once read an old philosophic saying that told us to live each day as if there were a raging fire in our hair. This means to live with energy and passion. So live with as much passion as you possibly can, because each day is little more than a dream fading away into nothingness.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Punisher: War Zone is going to be SICK!!!

Okay, I've got another awesome video for all of you intestinal parasites out there. I know that most of you probably worship the turds in Batman's toilet bowl after seeing The Dark Knight, but I'm telling you, it's the Punisher's time to rule. It's gonna be a red Christmas, bitches, just you wait and see.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Shameless self-promotion. I'm such a bastard!

But I'm a poor bastard, and that's what counts. Hello loyal readers...both of you. I'm just posting to say sorry for not updating lately. I'm going to try to find something good in pop culture to crap on next week, so to speak. But until then I want everyone to know that I'm promoting a novel that I wrote. If anyone has been to my other websites you've probably seen it before and by now you're probably screaming, "Enough already, you pretentious shit head!"

But I can't. Writing is my passion! My calling! Isn't it funny how most of the time when people talk about their passions it turns out to be something they're at least halfway good at? Well, whether or not my writing's worth the cheap ass paper it's printed on is up to you. First off, I love trashy cheesy action-packed time-filler novels, and that's mostly what Nightmare U is. For those of you not in the know, the U stands for University. Yes, that's right. It's about the horrors of the modern American education system!!! Just kidding, it's got demons and psychic powers and guns and stuff.

So look, even if you don't want to read my book, I highly urge you to check out something by an unknown independent author. Who knows? Like a porno in a bargain bin, you might just find a real gem you can sink your teeth into. Because the bottom line is Dan Brown and Stephen King don't need any more of your money.

Here's the link and thanks for taking the time to look.