Sunday, September 21, 2008

Thoughts and Prayers

I'm sure most people know by now that former Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker and DJ AM were severely wounded in a plane crash earlier this week in which four people lost their lives. Normally, asshole that I am, I don't mind when people poke fun at tragic accidents. I think death is something that needs to be taken in stride and there really is no opportune time to cease living, so it's kind of counter intuitive to call one death a tragedy and another no big deal. I'm just sorry that the lives of famous people get so much more attention than others, but that is the nature of the world. On the plus side, seemingly random events like this help remind us that anything really can happen and any moment and we must not only be careful in our day to day lives but balance that with living life to the fullest. Any loss of life is tragic and regrettable no matter the circumstances. The purpose of this post is not only to express my sadness for the families of everyone involved, but also to express my concern and thankfulness for anyone who might read this blog. To live an unacknowledged life is a great tragedy in itself. I once read an old philosophic saying that told us to live each day as if there were a raging fire in our hair. This means to live with energy and passion. So live with as much passion as you possibly can, because each day is little more than a dream fading away into nothingness.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Punisher: War Zone is going to be SICK!!!

Okay, I've got another awesome video for all of you intestinal parasites out there. I know that most of you probably worship the turds in Batman's toilet bowl after seeing The Dark Knight, but I'm telling you, it's the Punisher's time to rule. It's gonna be a red Christmas, bitches, just you wait and see.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Shameless self-promotion. I'm such a bastard!

But I'm a poor bastard, and that's what counts. Hello loyal readers...both of you. I'm just posting to say sorry for not updating lately. I'm going to try to find something good in pop culture to crap on next week, so to speak. But until then I want everyone to know that I'm promoting a novel that I wrote. If anyone has been to my other websites you've probably seen it before and by now you're probably screaming, "Enough already, you pretentious shit head!"

But I can't. Writing is my passion! My calling! Isn't it funny how most of the time when people talk about their passions it turns out to be something they're at least halfway good at? Well, whether or not my writing's worth the cheap ass paper it's printed on is up to you. First off, I love trashy cheesy action-packed time-filler novels, and that's mostly what Nightmare U is. For those of you not in the know, the U stands for University. Yes, that's right. It's about the horrors of the modern American education system!!! Just kidding, it's got demons and psychic powers and guns and stuff.

So look, even if you don't want to read my book, I highly urge you to check out something by an unknown independent author. Who knows? Like a porno in a bargain bin, you might just find a real gem you can sink your teeth into. Because the bottom line is Dan Brown and Stephen King don't need any more of your money.

Here's the link and thanks for taking the time to look.


Sunday, June 29, 2008

Look out Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal is ... Cockpuncher!

This is quite possibly the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Too bad it's not a real movie.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Let's count all the reasons the world sucks, shall we?

1. Lindsay Lohan's a lesbian
2. Miley Cyrus
3. New Kids on the Block reunion
4. Miley Cyrus
5. The Jonas Brothers
6. Joan Rivers is still alive
7. Did we cover Miley Cyrus yet?

Okay, okay. Maybe I'm being a little pessimistic here. I mean, really, what on the list couldn't possibly be viewed as a good thing? I mean, Lindsay Lohan might be bumping fur now, but we can all still hope for a sex video scandal, right? Well, that might not be so great since I didn't even know about the lesbian thing until somebody told me Samantha Ronson is a woman. Strangely enough I'd seen her several times before. And Joan Rivers, who hasn't gotten a laugh at her expense? Perhaps the most overdone here (for the purposes of cynical comedy, of course) is Miley Cyrus. It's not so much her that I'm angry at, it's her father for making her think she can sing and Disney for not telling her the truth. As far as the Jonas Brothers and NKOTB are concerned...I'm pretty sure this is that 1,000 years of darkness thing they mentioned in the Bible.
"Nobody's perfect."

"Except us, bitches. All your daughters are belong to us!"

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

2008 is half over! I haven't done shit! Well, actually...

I have done shit, and that's about it. I've sat around all day thinking of ways to make something more out of life other than actually doing something. And, ya know, every few minutes there was the ugly feeling in my stomach telling me it was time to go rip some crimson. Ever had that type of gassy, bloody diarrhea that sprays out and leaves little specks in the bowl that can't be flushed off? Well, anyway, I think I'm getting off track. The point is, it seems like there's just no reason to get up anymore. Well, aside from my loyal blog readers, er, make that reader. All I remember is that I started this blog towards the end of last year and only four measly posts later we're already half way through the frickin' year. (Insert big ass sigh here). Oh well. At least there's always tomorrow, except I've got an orthodontist appointment tomorrow, and we all know how bad that sucks. But I'll tell you what, it sucks even more being a 5-foot six-inch 22 year old with braces. Okay, okay. That's enough belly aching from me. I'm thinking I might talk about the upcoming Resident Evil 5 game in my next post, but I'm just not sure. Until then though, here's hoping the next half of this year is better than the first. Later.

Monday, February 25, 2008

The Crap is Back! Thank God for Pretty Girls

So, anybody who follows that big bastard we call the popular media probably knows that the writer's strike is over. Ya know, I'm not sure what makes me more sad, the fact that all of the TV shows had to go away, or the fact that they're actually coming back. That's not to say that most of today's shows are bad. It's to say that they're awful. Is it possible to be relatively kidding? Oh well, moving on. About the only smart move Hollywood makes these days is casting good looking girls to fill that space between when the show itself starts and when my eyes start to bleed from the stupidity. The pain and subsequent visits to the hospital are worth it, though...sometimes. Okay, so maybe Welcome to the Captain isn't bad, per se, but to say it isn't hilarious is sort of an absolute. I'm just going to pray that the set of The Office gets burned down so many times they finally just pull the plug like they did with Las Vegas. Maybe I'm just insane. I mean, I do enjoy those reruns of 90s series they play on the Sci-Fi channel every now and then. My taste in entertainment has never run with the mainstream, so maybe I'm the one that deserves a cancellation. But until those scary suits show up at my house with their cease and desist orders and prototype laser guns from the future, I'm gonna keep speaking my mind right here on the bloody stool.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

The Rich Get Richer

Well I'm not sure how many people heard about this particularly painful piece of news, and I sure as hell hope there aren't any rabid 50 Cent fans in the audience, because it would make me even more ashamed to admit that...gulp...I'm just the tiniest bit jealous of the guy. We've all heard of the calorie packed psuedo-health drink Vitamin Water, right? Well, it seems that early in 2007, that old bullet-sponge Fiddy (as I've heard him called), signed on to be a spokesman for the beverage for a less than 5% claim in the company's stocks. Now, the only spokesmanly thing I ever saw this guy do was tell people to drink the water on one of the late night talk shows. Assuming he may have only done a teensy bit more promotional work, it paid off in spades I tell you, damn hell in spades! Sometime last year Coca-Cola bought the company that produces Vitamin Water for some 4 billion smackeroos! 50's cut, you ask? A whopping 100 million dollars for doing nothing more than sucking back on a little bland tasting piss water in front of a camera or two. Now all of this isn't to say I have anything against 50. Lord knows he's come a long way and I respect anybody that's built like a brick shit-house. But you know how much I made last year for all of my screaming and pushing while sitting on the commode losing valuable plasma? Nothing! Well, I did get a pretty raw ass out of the deal, but not one red cent! Maybe I should rethink my whole approach. If they pay money for bloody shit-water down at the blood bank, I would be rolling in it for once. Money, that is. Not my bloody shit-water, which I roll in every night.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

One Good Bomb Deserves Another

I've got a dirty secret...I actually kind of enjoyed the Resident Evil films. Well, that is to say I enjoy guns and attractive women and zombies, all of which the films had, just not in a way that actually resembles anything good. We all know that Paul W.S. Anderson is a rabid film rapist, and that's okay. In this day and age, somebody's got to do it. I just can't believe Alien Vs. Predator came from the same man that gave us Event Horizon. That's the scariest part. But anyway, if you're on the fence about renting or buying the new Resident Evil: Extinction, look no further than right into that blood-stained toilet bowl you know and love for a first-hand review.

So our adventure begins around what seems to be a year or two after the second entry in the franchise. I mean, jeez, I knew RE: Apocalypse was bad, but I didn't know it was the end of the world. Case in point, this film takes place entirely in the post apocalyptic wasteland that the United States has become...or South Central L.A. during the 1999 heat wave. In any case, it's a desert atmosphere full of strung out refugees wearing oddly Mad Max-ish clothing. We're led to believe that a convoy of people have been wandering the desert for about six months in vehicles that never break down, using up gasoline that is still around and eating canned food that they've managed to salvage. My only question is, with our looting culture as it is, how the hell did any of that stuff survive the end of the world anyway? No, no. I kid. It's all just help for the plot...or lack of one. So, that heroine Alice that we're all so "eh" about, has also been traveling around trying to evade the Umbrella Corporation (run by a rather unsatisfactory Wesker, I might add) and getting into trouble herself. Long story short, she meets up with Claire Redfield's convoy, they almost all die, and then she set's off to defeat Umbrella with a million more of herself (don't ask.) Really, for me, aside from a few okay action sequences, the only redeeming qualities of this movie are the mesmerizing Ali Larter playing Claire, that sexy beast Oded Fehr reprising his role as Carlos, and newcomer Spencer Locke as a completely and utterly unnecessary but nonetheless pleasant scream queen named "K-Mart," if you can believe it. All in all worth a look-see. I watched it twice just to see if I missed anything to complain about. It's just that the worst possible things about this franchise are what the f--- aspect of the Alice character and most of all the total absence of Chris Redfield, Leon Kennedy, and Barry Burton, the most awesome bad-asses in the whole series. Call me sexist if you must, but at least you can't disagree with me. Oh well, here's to hoping that in twenty years somebody makes a remake of the trilogy that's actually worth something.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

American Gladiators Premieres Tonight

If you notice that there's no exclamation point in the title of this post, it's because it really doesn't deserve one. As I'm sure anyone who would read this blog would know, the brand new (but not much improved) American Gladiators premieres tonight. In fact, I'm watching it right now, and I have to say nothing has made me wish for a sphincter sized wormhole to take me back in time more. It's a different time and a different world, I suppose, and the only things that have more crap in them than these people muscles are their mouths. Like the rest of America, I was at one point in my life a Hulkamaniac, but ever since Hogan Knows Best, I've just never felt so bad for the great white muscled mustache of a man. I mean, yeah, he's got more money than Finland, but c'mon! In the first five minutes of the show they introduced a Gladiator that looked like he accidentally grabbed one of the female Gladiators costumes. At least, I can only hope it was by accident. But since I guess those guys' bust sizes are larger than the average porn star, they need all the support they can get. Well anyway, that's enough pissing and moaning from me. I'll let you get back to your life (which I'm sure is a hell of a lot more eventful than mine), but be sure to check back because I'm going to be bringing you my review of the latest in the Resident Evil survival horror franchise, Resident Evil: Extinction.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

The First Bloody Stool of the New Year

Happy bloody new year!

No, I'm not British, but when I got up this morning and sat down on the pot for the first time this year, I wondered how much blood I was going to lose through my bowels over the next 365 days. See, I shit blood on an almost daily basis now, thanks to my super-dee-duper case of ulcerative colitis.

I'm sure you're wondering, "But how can I get this fascinating disease?" Well, kid, it's your lucky day. I hear gas prices are going to be their highest ever, natural disasters are sweeping the globe, Bangok's headed the way of Atlantis, and the Internet may be crashing by as soon as 2010. That's right, you guessed it; more famine, more sickness, more violence and mayhem! Let the hysteria begin. If all of this hasn't gotten you so stressed out you're shitting blood like me, just turn on the television to any channel and gaze upon the veritable legions of stellar looking stars and starlets you're never going to see, talk to, or get into bed with! Shitting blood now? Feel like dying now? If not, maybe you should go back to school, that's where I got my first bloody stool. Ha ha ha!

Anyway, that's enough shooting the shit for now, so to speak. Be sure to check back on my brand new blog because it's only going to get bigger, better, smellier, messier, and bloodier than anything you've ever seen. Unless of course you've witnessed childbirth...then you've kinda seen it all.