Wednesday, January 9, 2008

The Rich Get Richer

Well I'm not sure how many people heard about this particularly painful piece of news, and I sure as hell hope there aren't any rabid 50 Cent fans in the audience, because it would make me even more ashamed to admit that...gulp...I'm just the tiniest bit jealous of the guy. We've all heard of the calorie packed psuedo-health drink Vitamin Water, right? Well, it seems that early in 2007, that old bullet-sponge Fiddy (as I've heard him called), signed on to be a spokesman for the beverage for a less than 5% claim in the company's stocks. Now, the only spokesmanly thing I ever saw this guy do was tell people to drink the water on one of the late night talk shows. Assuming he may have only done a teensy bit more promotional work, it paid off in spades I tell you, damn hell in spades! Sometime last year Coca-Cola bought the company that produces Vitamin Water for some 4 billion smackeroos! 50's cut, you ask? A whopping 100 million dollars for doing nothing more than sucking back on a little bland tasting piss water in front of a camera or two. Now all of this isn't to say I have anything against 50. Lord knows he's come a long way and I respect anybody that's built like a brick shit-house. But you know how much I made last year for all of my screaming and pushing while sitting on the commode losing valuable plasma? Nothing! Well, I did get a pretty raw ass out of the deal, but not one red cent! Maybe I should rethink my whole approach. If they pay money for bloody shit-water down at the blood bank, I would be rolling in it for once. Money, that is. Not my bloody shit-water, which I roll in every night.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

One Good Bomb Deserves Another

I've got a dirty secret...I actually kind of enjoyed the Resident Evil films. Well, that is to say I enjoy guns and attractive women and zombies, all of which the films had, just not in a way that actually resembles anything good. We all know that Paul W.S. Anderson is a rabid film rapist, and that's okay. In this day and age, somebody's got to do it. I just can't believe Alien Vs. Predator came from the same man that gave us Event Horizon. That's the scariest part. But anyway, if you're on the fence about renting or buying the new Resident Evil: Extinction, look no further than right into that blood-stained toilet bowl you know and love for a first-hand review.

So our adventure begins around what seems to be a year or two after the second entry in the franchise. I mean, jeez, I knew RE: Apocalypse was bad, but I didn't know it was the end of the world. Case in point, this film takes place entirely in the post apocalyptic wasteland that the United States has become...or South Central L.A. during the 1999 heat wave. In any case, it's a desert atmosphere full of strung out refugees wearing oddly Mad Max-ish clothing. We're led to believe that a convoy of people have been wandering the desert for about six months in vehicles that never break down, using up gasoline that is still around and eating canned food that they've managed to salvage. My only question is, with our looting culture as it is, how the hell did any of that stuff survive the end of the world anyway? No, no. I kid. It's all just help for the plot...or lack of one. So, that heroine Alice that we're all so "eh" about, has also been traveling around trying to evade the Umbrella Corporation (run by a rather unsatisfactory Wesker, I might add) and getting into trouble herself. Long story short, she meets up with Claire Redfield's convoy, they almost all die, and then she set's off to defeat Umbrella with a million more of herself (don't ask.) Really, for me, aside from a few okay action sequences, the only redeeming qualities of this movie are the mesmerizing Ali Larter playing Claire, that sexy beast Oded Fehr reprising his role as Carlos, and newcomer Spencer Locke as a completely and utterly unnecessary but nonetheless pleasant scream queen named "K-Mart," if you can believe it. All in all worth a look-see. I watched it twice just to see if I missed anything to complain about. It's just that the worst possible things about this franchise are what the f--- aspect of the Alice character and most of all the total absence of Chris Redfield, Leon Kennedy, and Barry Burton, the most awesome bad-asses in the whole series. Call me sexist if you must, but at least you can't disagree with me. Oh well, here's to hoping that in twenty years somebody makes a remake of the trilogy that's actually worth something.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

American Gladiators Premieres Tonight

If you notice that there's no exclamation point in the title of this post, it's because it really doesn't deserve one. As I'm sure anyone who would read this blog would know, the brand new (but not much improved) American Gladiators premieres tonight. In fact, I'm watching it right now, and I have to say nothing has made me wish for a sphincter sized wormhole to take me back in time more. It's a different time and a different world, I suppose, and the only things that have more crap in them than these people muscles are their mouths. Like the rest of America, I was at one point in my life a Hulkamaniac, but ever since Hogan Knows Best, I've just never felt so bad for the great white muscled mustache of a man. I mean, yeah, he's got more money than Finland, but c'mon! In the first five minutes of the show they introduced a Gladiator that looked like he accidentally grabbed one of the female Gladiators costumes. At least, I can only hope it was by accident. But since I guess those guys' bust sizes are larger than the average porn star, they need all the support they can get. Well anyway, that's enough pissing and moaning from me. I'll let you get back to your life (which I'm sure is a hell of a lot more eventful than mine), but be sure to check back because I'm going to be bringing you my review of the latest in the Resident Evil survival horror franchise, Resident Evil: Extinction.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

The First Bloody Stool of the New Year

Happy bloody new year!

No, I'm not British, but when I got up this morning and sat down on the pot for the first time this year, I wondered how much blood I was going to lose through my bowels over the next 365 days. See, I shit blood on an almost daily basis now, thanks to my super-dee-duper case of ulcerative colitis.

I'm sure you're wondering, "But how can I get this fascinating disease?" Well, kid, it's your lucky day. I hear gas prices are going to be their highest ever, natural disasters are sweeping the globe, Bangok's headed the way of Atlantis, and the Internet may be crashing by as soon as 2010. That's right, you guessed it; more famine, more sickness, more violence and mayhem! Let the hysteria begin. If all of this hasn't gotten you so stressed out you're shitting blood like me, just turn on the television to any channel and gaze upon the veritable legions of stellar looking stars and starlets you're never going to see, talk to, or get into bed with! Shitting blood now? Feel like dying now? If not, maybe you should go back to school, that's where I got my first bloody stool. Ha ha ha!

Anyway, that's enough shooting the shit for now, so to speak. Be sure to check back on my brand new blog because it's only going to get bigger, better, smellier, messier, and bloodier than anything you've ever seen. Unless of course you've witnessed childbirth...then you've kinda seen it all.