Wednesday, January 2, 2008

The First Bloody Stool of the New Year

Happy bloody new year!

No, I'm not British, but when I got up this morning and sat down on the pot for the first time this year, I wondered how much blood I was going to lose through my bowels over the next 365 days. See, I shit blood on an almost daily basis now, thanks to my super-dee-duper case of ulcerative colitis.

I'm sure you're wondering, "But how can I get this fascinating disease?" Well, kid, it's your lucky day. I hear gas prices are going to be their highest ever, natural disasters are sweeping the globe, Bangok's headed the way of Atlantis, and the Internet may be crashing by as soon as 2010. That's right, you guessed it; more famine, more sickness, more violence and mayhem! Let the hysteria begin. If all of this hasn't gotten you so stressed out you're shitting blood like me, just turn on the television to any channel and gaze upon the veritable legions of stellar looking stars and starlets you're never going to see, talk to, or get into bed with! Shitting blood now? Feel like dying now? If not, maybe you should go back to school, that's where I got my first bloody stool. Ha ha ha!

Anyway, that's enough shooting the shit for now, so to speak. Be sure to check back on my brand new blog because it's only going to get bigger, better, smellier, messier, and bloodier than anything you've ever seen. Unless of course you've witnessed childbirth...then you've kinda seen it all.

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