Thursday, March 10, 2011

Justin Bieber kisses Selena Gomez, world ends early

I know, I know. It's been forever since I've posted. Give me a break, I've been on the toilet. The good news is, there hasn't been a lot worth mentioning in the messy circle-jerk called Hollywood. Of course, there never really is. I take exception to this one, though.
Turns out the scientists were wrong. Life as we know it isn't going to end in 2012, it actually already happened. Recently, Justin Queefer and Selena Gomez officially came out as a beard...I mean, couple. "Came out" being the operative term here. Okay, okay, I'm just kidding. I make a lot of jokes about the STBiebs, but I'm not really a die hard hater, I just think he looks funny.
Anyway, the point is that at the exact moment Bieber tried unsuccessfully to devour Selena Gomez's face, throngs of teenage girls worldwide tweeted so quickly it supercharged the Earth's magnetic poles, instantaneously throwing the planet out of rotation around the sun, thus initiating worldwide apocalypse and we are all now dashing off out of our solar system into the infinite abyss of space. If you've looked out your window recently you've probably seen what the world has become. It's okay, I'm scared too. Lock your doors and make sure you've got a decent supply of toilet paper. Like the day after a hefty dinner of corn casserole and refried beans, we're going to have to be strong to ride this one out. But hey, look at it this way, while we're on the john we can belt out our own rendition of the song that pretty much no one wants to hear ever again...ever.

Baby baby baby - OOOOOOoooooh! - baby baby baby - OOOOOOOOOOOOHOOhhhhhhh!

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